Is It Love or Addiction?

Falling in love is one of the best feelings in the world… besides getting free money.

You feel happy all the time; you are kinder to children, animals and old people. You want to share your new found love with all of your friends, co-workers, and strangers on the street.

Then your killjoy hater of a friend asks you, “Is it really love or are you addicted?” Your initial response may be something like “What kind of question is that? I thought you would be happy for me?” Your friend may be hating on you or they could have a point. It depends on the context.
So we have this question lingering. Is it love or addiction?
Here Are a Couple of Definitions for Love:

• “Attraction based on sexual desire. Affection and tenderness felt by lovers.” ~Merriam-Webster (Not deep enough)

• “Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only with what you are expecting to give — which is everything.” ~Katherine Hepburn  (Closer)

• Love is a deep selfless desire to protect, support, and respect someone so they can live the most fulfilling, healthy, happy life possible. ~Anonymous

I could keep looking, but this last one covers the 4 bases: desire, respect, support, and protection. Other-centeredness is evident in all the three definitions. On the other hand, love addiction is centered on the self, where the main goal is to satisfy a craving for romantic love.

Brenda Schaefer, the author of “Is it Love or Addiction?” says there are three elements, if present, that tip the balance from love to addiction: preoccupation, a loss of control, and psychological/physical dependence.

Hey, that sounds like falling in love! However, there are differences. If you are dating  someone that is always available, look out! It feels great, at first. Then you start looking for air to breathe.
A good relationship consists of two people with their own separate lives coming together to share their lives.

I had a friend that was really into a woman and it seemed to be going well. Then one day, I asked him were they still happy. Nope, they were done. I was really surprised because he seemed so happy. He said it was great, at first. They spent all of their time together for three months. One night, he wanted to go out with some friends and she got upset. So, he stayed home. No biggie. This went on for about a month until he realized she didn’t have any friends of her own.

He encouraged her to go to happy hour with co-workers, talked to her about starting a hobby. All of his ideas were rejected and then there was the crying and accusations. After 6 months, he couldn’t take it anymore. The last thing he said was, “I really cared about her, but I didn’t want to be responsible for her happiness.”

If You Suspect That Your Fledgling Relationship Is Addictive vs. Loving, Take Some Time With These Questions:

• Do you avoid being alone at all costs?
• Are you dreading the time when the falling in love part wears off?
• Do you spend a lot of time fantasizing about the relationship?
• Do you compromise your values to keep the partner happy?
• Do you have any physical symptoms after fights that are only alleviated after making up?
• Do you need a continuous supply of affirmation?
• Have you had similar feelings about food, money…?

So let’s say you answer yes to all of these questions. It doesn’t mean life is over and you are incapable of a healthy relationship, but it does mean you are more vulnerable. It’s just like if you were prone to diabetes, you would have to be careful about food choices. What makes it tough is you can’t stop eating or loving, right?

Here Are Some Initial Steps for Breaking the Love Addiction Pattern:

1. Take a break from any kind of romantic involvement.
2. Avoid love songs, movies and romantic books.
3. Determine your attraction pattern.
4. Get support from friends and professional help as you identify how you would like to be loved.
5. Feed your mind and spirit daily.

Originally posted on Digital Romance Inc.