Intent Doesn’t Always Make Things Right

I have always had an iffy relationship with my mom.  She is a great mom, but we have a personality mismatch.  The other day, I was trying out one of the exercises in Wired for Love, where you imagine the person that you ran to when you were little.  I don’t remember who I ran to, but I doubt it was my mother.  She doesn’t do comfort well.  Maybe that is why I am so good at it.
 

Except with my mom...  Last year, my mom spent a month with her last surviving sister in hospice.  My aunt died in the first week of November.  Normally, we traveled to see her sister in the nursing home on Thanksgiving Day.  So, it was my intent to make Turkey Day easier for her.

I made small talk then asked her what I could do to be supportive since she opted not to go to other people’s houses.  She said, “Stay out of my way.  You are really good at that.”

I HATE the holidays.  I have hated them and family get togethers for as long as I can remember.  AND I hate to say this, but I held a grudge for three weeks.  Just in time for Christmas.  

My mom asked me if I was mad about what she said.  Gee, if you have to ask, you know the answer.  Come to find out she thought she was being funny and it was not her intent to hurt my feelings. 

Often, we say things with the intention of being helpful, loving, funny, etc. without really thinking about the other person’s personality makeup.

My mom doesn’t like to cry or be dependent in any way.  In fact, I have never seen her cry, not even when my dad died.  My theory is that my offer of assistance made her feel weak, so she came out swinging and slapped the humor label on it. 

What I should have done is given her space then small talked the hell out of her.  She loves small talk while I am not a fan.  In the end, both of us ended up hurt.  She felt unsupported and I felt unappreciated.

Good intent is not enough for communication within relationships.  

Without knowing how to soothe and comfort a loved one in a manner that works for them, you might do more damage than if you had done nothing at all.