How to Wait Until You Meet THE ONE

So, all your friends are married and you're thinking, OMG, they are so lucky! 

You’re lucky, too because you still have time to play. Yet, it could be that you don't want to play. Maybe, you’re older; you’re thinking it’s never going to happen for me.  All the good men are gone. 

Bullocks! That’s not true at all. You just haven’t found any good men OR you keep choosing the same wrong men.

If your goal is to find the right one or ones (plural, for those that aren’t into monogamy), what are you doing about it?  

Belief affects what you think is possible. 

If you're regularly complaining that all the good men are gay, married, or emotionally unavailable, then that's what you're going to get.

It’s about attitude.   You can start with 'Hey, I am chill, I am chill because I got this. I am good just like I am. I look good. I smell good. Mmm, I even taste good.

Take this as an opportunity to get married to YOURSELF.

Make yourself THE ONE.

Take a sabbatical from job of finding THE ONE.  Gee, you might even find THE ONE when you stop looking for THE ONE.

Here is a template.  (This works best if you actually DO it versus using it as a mental exercise.)

• When are you going to have the ceremony?
• Where will it be held?
• Who will be there?  (It might be too weird to invite people to a Me-to-Me wedding, but you can have an after party. No one needs to know why you are having it.)
• What kind of ring are you going to wear?
• What are the vows going to be?
• What do you want to celebrate about you?

The most important question is...
What are your goals for your relationship and how will you achieve them?

This idea might seem bizarre, but so was the airplane, telephone, the Internet and the iPod.

If it works for you, who cares?  

See Tracy McMillian’s TEDx talk, “The Person You Really Need To Marry.”

Are You a Good Mother Even If Your Child Isn’t Successful?

Previously posted on BlogHer.com

Women worry if they work and worry if they don’t.  At the end of the day, you want to be able to say you are a good mom. It’s easy to say if your child is successful, but what if they aren’t. 

Good mothering doesn’t guarantee success.  There are proven parenting methods, but it's still an art form.  You’re a sculptor.  Your child is the medium, but you aren’t the only one chipping away at the marble.  

Your responsibility is to do your best with what you know and who you are.

It's true that when your child is ready to go out into the world, their success or lack thereof will be attributed to how they were raised. 

Hopefully, your child will be successful.  Yet, it's important to separate their success from your assessment of your efforts.  

The good mom has given her time, love and resources.  The good mom has provided guidance, comfort, space for independence, and a hearty kick in the pants.  The good mom will love their kid even if they aren’t successful.

No matter what, it's still your day.  Happy Mother’s Day!

The Hazards of Being Nice

People pleasing will either kill you or make you wish you were dead.  It creeps up on you quick because we are taught early to be kind and helpful to our fellow man.  Parents taught us to share our toys with other children  for the obvious reasons.  

My upbringing was no different, but somewhere along the way I crossed the line, confusing kindness with codependency.  Codependency is a coping mechanism for the “I am not enough” syndrome.  Do you know anyone goes out of their way to do stuff for people even when those same people are perfectly capable of doing stuff for themselves?

Can Love and Desire Live in the Same Room?

Mating in Captivity is a hot, hot book!  I had to fan myself a couple of times while reading it.  Not because there were any explicit sex scenes but because her ideas were so fresh and daring.  It gave me chills, I tell you!

I stumbled onto Esther Perel during a YouTube TED Talk binge.  After listening to her lecture for California Southern University,  I had to know more.  Thank God for libraries!

It is almost a given that sexual desire will decrease the longer a couple is together, even in warm and loving relationships. Research attributes this the effect of repeated exposure.  What if it weren’t that simple?  What if there were another dynamic at play? What if love and passion were, for some couples, inversely proportional?

Relationship Reboot

Every couple of years I take a week to look at my own life to reassess what is working and what isn’t.  I then compare what I am doing to what I say that I want do.   Sometimes the comparison highlights the areas that need adjustment.   This time I have traced where I am back to the relationships that I created.  I use the word created because relationships don’t just happen for me.  Of course, there is conscious creation and unconscious creation.

Who You Love is a Product of What You Think

You can’t choose who you love…because it’s dependent on how you think.  Yeah, I am making not so subtle allusions to the Law of Attraction theme.  If you don’t subscribe to the idea, move on to the next blog.  Hard facts…the average person has at least 4 major relationships before they make that final commitment.  Well, final is relative, right?

Even before you say I do, you have an ideal person that you think will make all of your dreams come true.  Then you measure each date against that mental yardstick, tossing away those that don’t measure up, but it is your thoughts that draws in the pool of applicants.

Does Anyone Enjoy The Single Life?

How to Be Single is due out on February 12, just in time for Valentine's Day.  I cannot wait!  That made me curious, though.  How many books out there focus on the single life?

Actually, there are quite a few!  I found one that is pretty good, titled Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent by Judy Ford.  First off, I love the title.  It sums the book up in a few words AND provides a new definition for 'single' at the same time.   

Value is Subjective

Todoy, I would like to welcome David Rosenberg back!  

Just over fifty years ago (July 1965), the Rolling Stones had their first number one hit (I Can't Get No) “Satisfaction.”  The Stones iconic front man, Mick Jagger, was perhaps more well-known for his very distinctive dance moves rather than his lyrics.  Regardless of whether you think he was a good dancer or not, Mick Jagger definitely showed SATISFACTION in his moves.

You too should GET satisfaction with your spending. Have you ever caught someone (who usually doesn’t dance) dancing wildly because of the rhythm of the music moved them to do so?  Didn’t they look satisfied (at least until they realized you were watching)?  This is what we call utility value. And it’s a VERY subjective thing!

The Hazards of Being Nice

People pleasing will either kill you or make you wish you were dead.  It creeps up on you quick because we are taught early to be kind and helpful to our fellow man.  Parents taught us to share our toys with other children  for the obvious reasons.  

My upbringing was no different, but somewhere along the way I crossed the line, confusing kindness with codependency.  Codependency is a coping mechanism for the “I am not enough” syndrome.  Do you know anyone goes out of their way to do stuff for people even when those same people are perfectly capable of doing stuff for themselves?

Dating From the Inside Out

Is finding love on your top 10 for 2016?  I have the book for you, due out on January 1, 2016!  Wired for Dating is Stan Tatkin’s, PSYD, MFT, great follow-up to Wired for Love.

The inside-out approach or “psychobiological approach” gives you the whys driving romantic relationships and how to use this information to create “secure” relationships.  Tatkin uses neuroscience and attachment theory to show how our biology and attachment style facilitate attraction, but can lead us to make impulsive buying decisions.

Intent Doesn’t Always Make Things Right

I have always had an iffy relationship with my mom.  She is a great mom, but we have a personality mismatch.  The other day, I was trying out one of the exercises in Wired for Love, where you imagine the person that you ran to when you were little.  I don’t remember who I ran to, but I doubt it was my mother.  She doesn’t do comfort well.  Maybe that is why I am so good at it.

OMG, I Am So Bored In This Relationship!

It is inevitable, like death and taxes.  Sooner or later you are going to get bored with your spouse.  Who knows?  If you are reading this, maybe you already are. 

Is It Love or Addiction?

Falling in love is one of the best feelings in the world… besides getting free money.

You feel happy all the time; you are kinder to children, animals and old people. You want to share your new found love with all of your friends, co-workers, and strangers on the street.

Then your killjoy hater of a friend asks you, “Is it really love or are you addicted?” Your initial response may be something like “What kind of question is that? I thought you would be happy for me?” Your friend may be hating on you or they could have a point. It depends on the context.

How A Relationship Develops

One key to developing a successful relationship with another person is maintaining a good relationship with your own pursuits.  Lizzy’s attraction to the NFL was ignited during the Super Bowl XXXVIII party. You know, the year Janet Jackson had a costume malfunction.   

During the party, she participated in the football pool and won 2 out 4 squares. Pretty good for a novice!  Between the excitement of the party plus winning the squares, she was hooked.

Guest Blogger: Emptying the Dishwasher, Making Coffee—and a Spending Plan

Today, I would like to introduce you to my guest blogger, David Rosenberg.  He is a fantastic communicator and has a deep background in money management.

I am in physical danger every time I empty the dishwasher. No, really!!

When I load the dishwasher, the silverware is always face down. My mother did it that way and I’m certain her mother would have done it that way, if they even had dishwashers back then. When my beautiful wife, Dee does the dishes, she always puts the silverware in face up. This means for me the knives and forks become weapons. Her logic is that they gets cleaner that way. Oh yeah? Well, so does my hand once I wash the blood off.

She Versus He: SHE Confession # 10: The Casual Contract

Today, I am sharing some content from another blogger, Soleil, who writes about the relationship between men and women.  Check out  She Versus He: SHE Confession # 10: The Casual Contract.  Her takeaways are on the money.

We must pay close attention to whom we share our intimate energy with.

As with most endeavors, there are a few lessons to be learned from this:

• There is no such thing as just a casual relationship
• Never allow your loneliness to lead you to settling
• People are who they are and believe what they tell you

 

The Beginning of Intentional Dating

I know so little about football, but I LOVE reading the sports section!  It is like the men’s version of a soap opera with the personalities, egos, bravado and s#$%-talking.  So, my home team, the Redskins, have had some major drama.  They brought in this young man a couple of years ago with all the pageantry the Pope is getting today.  And what happens, the first season, he gets injured and he has been that way off and on for the last two seasons.  Well, this young man made a faux pas and said he was the best quarterback in the League. (Hang in there. I am getting to my point.)

  

Masters of Sex

Both of my parents were scientists. My dad, especially, used the scientific method as a lens for everything, including sex.  When I turned 12, he gave me “Everything You Want to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask”.  He said, “If you have any questions after you read it, let’s talk.” 

Going Beyond Deal Breakers

Falling in love is sweet, intoxicating and it makes it easier to overlook things that bother you. The question is should you overlook them. Some stuff is a no brainer. He/she drinks too much or can’t keep a job.  It's the smaller issues that sneak up and take you by surprise. 

More Sex

Economist Seth Stephen-Davidowitz's op-ed, in the New York Times, offers that misplaced anxiety is decreasing the frequency of sex in America.  In Searching for Sex, Seth says that the number of Google searches for “sexless marriage" are three and a half times more common than “loveless marriage".