The Hazards of Being Nice

People pleasing will either kill you or make you wish you were dead.  It creeps up on you quick because we are taught early to be kind and helpful to our fellow man.  Parents taught us to share our toys with other children  for the obvious reasons.  

My upbringing was no different, but somewhere along the way I crossed the line, confusing kindness with codependency.  Codependency is a coping mechanism for the “I am not enough” syndrome.  Do you know anyone goes out of their way to do stuff for people even when those same people are perfectly capable of doing stuff for themselves?

It is not just being nice, it is more like being ubernice so people will love you.

One day at the dinner table, I was telling my dad about this “nice” person at school.  He listened to my story and then asked me if I knew what nice really meant.  (My dad was a big fan of the Socratic method.)  I said nice meant kind or sweet.  Incorrectomundo!   He quipped,"Historically, nice meant stupid."   He then suggested I stop using the word to describe people I liked.

Yet, I have to say, the updated meaning for nice works great as a synonym for codependency.  Codependent people are self-sacrificing, beneficent and loving.  They are also needy and controlling.  Oh, I forgot one...boring.  They try so hard to please and caretake, that they neglect their own growth.  

The worst part is that codependents give until they blow up or implode.  Unknowingly they keep score for the stuff they do for others in order to get love then get frustrated when they don’t receive their tit for their tat. 

If you resent what you are doing to remain in a relationship, you may be codependent.

Here are a few clues that you are in a codependent relationship:

• You take care of people that can take care of themselves.
• You think that they will change if you work harder.
• You find it difficult to say no, regardless of the request.
• You get pissed at yourself when you do get up the nerve to say no because you are afraid they will leave you.
• You are drawn to strays (people and animals).

There are three things that you can do today that will get you started on the path to recovery.  (1) Let people take care of themselves unless they specifically ask for your assistance.  (2) Accept people as they are.  (3) Learn how and when to say no.

Hey, there is nothing wrong with wanting to please those that you love!  However, people-pleasing is an effort to get love and approval. Eventually, it will warp your sense of self and relationship with others.